The Voice of Truth

Davis hit the six-month mark and I can hardly believe we ever lived without the little charmer. I could not have predicted how different the first six months with HIM would be than the first six months with Jack. I have thought about this so many times, trying to put my finger on what has made it so different. I have to say I have been able to enjoy it so much more than I did the first time around.

There's the obvious fact that this time, I already have all the "stuff," including the clothes. I have not had to make a Babies 'R Us run since Davis was born, really. With Jack, I felt like I was always discovering a new must-have product or returning a didn't-really-need-after-all product. I was running out all the time, spending money, which was very stressful. I have stayed home so much more than I did when Jack was a baby. That has made it simpler...

Then there's the schedule. Jack was on a very strict schedule. Everyone called my house "Baby Boot Camp" and for good reason. I knew when he would eat, sleep, even poop. And boy, was he happy, rested, and content. As long as the schedule was followed, everyone was. Davis... well, he sleeps some time in the morning and again some time in the afternoon. Or early evening. Or not at all and then he goes to bed early. Oh, and he eats somewhere in between there too. How many ounces? Who knows?

Of course, there's the fact that I have a little helper running around all day who loves to empty the dryer, sort the silverware, and operate the Diaper Champ. But, frankly, I don't know whether to put Big Brother in the category of "made it easier" or "made it harder." When Baby Jack slept, Momma slept. When Baby Davis sleeps, Jack says, "NOW you can finally play Go Fish with me, Momma!"

This time, I know SO much more about parenting itself. I used to spend a lot of time reading books to see what it all means. Now I know that the poop changes color and that doesn't necessarily mean anything. I know that sometimes a baby has a decreased appetite and that doesn't necessarily mean anything either. I know not to try those disgusting teething biscuits ever again. I know that no matter what the issue, it too shall pass... and will quickly be replaced by a new issue. It's always something ... teething, then tantrums, then staying in bed, then sharing, then lying, then potty-training, then... Instead of fighting it, I have embraced it. That's made it easier...

There's also the fact that I was having major work withdrawal back then. I missed it terribly. All my friends were at work and I wanted to join them. I didn't have the support system or play group in place to lean on. My dress clothes and heels were in the closet laughing at me, saying, "You don't need ME anymore... and besides, you'll never fit back into me!" Okay, maybe the clothes weren't talking to me. But something was.

I realize now that the voice I kept hearing was the devil. Satan and our society constantly tell us lies and we either revoke and replace them, or we believe them. I truly believed the lies back then - that I wasn't good enough, that I wasn't cut out to be a stay-at-home Mom, that I was too strict, that I needed to relax. I just wanted to be approved of. I fought and fought to keep the house perfect, the baby clean, dinner ready... because I wanted to make the grade. I wanted Jeff to approve of how I was parenting his son, I wanted his family to like me, and I even worried if the Baby would grow up to like me. I had this inner dialogue, wondering, "How come all these other Moms make it look so easy and I am such a mess?" Satan kept me convinced that I wasn't good enough.

Since then, I have grown so much... in my walk with the Lord, in my faith in our marriage, and in my confidence as a mother. I stand against the lies and the fear... the fear that I might mess up my kids forever, the fear that people won't agree with my parenting choices, fear that my husband won't be attracted to me, fear that my son will be disappointed in me. That fear is what Satan holds onto. He builds on it and uses it to break up families. He tried like hell to break up mine.

Christ has already freed us from all that worry and fear. He paid that price. He sees me, His daughter, parenting the children He has entrusted to me and He is proud of me. He loves and accepts me, regardless of my performance. That's a whole lot of grace to accept. But, during a recent Bible Study, something clicked inside me. That grace is the TRUTH - God's truth. Anything short of that, is a lie. Just like that, I feel like I have finally opened the gift.

I am able to parent my children differently than in the past. I see the difference on a daily basis. I used to delete pictures or videos because there was a bunch of laundry in the background or because the kids had stains on their clothes. I used to be so disappointed by imperfection... in my child, my husband, or in myself. I let the fight for perfection rob me of the joy to be found in the small things. It doesn't really matter if there are clothes on the couch. I will not let it rob me of time spent with friends at our house. I remember worrying so much about him hitting certain milestones that I did not enjoy watching him learn and develop. Satan was set on stealing my joy, and I was letting him.

This time is so much better because I can finally be honest through this journey - honest with myself, honest with Jeff, honest with God, and honest with other mothers. And guess what? The moms I talk to are struggling with self-worth too. They are all trying to perform too. The funny thing is some new mothers have said things to me like, "Wow, you seem to have it all together. You are so great at this stay-at-home Mom thing. Sometimes I wonder how you do it!" I just want to laugh. I have made it my mission this past year or so to share the power of replacing these lies with the Voice of Truth especially with new moms starting their young families.

I hope the boys learn (way earlier than their Mom did) that they don't have to perform for God, and they certainly don't have to perform for me or their Dad. I want to show them that we are good enough, just because we are His. That's it. There's nothing more to it. When we realize our true identity in Christ, we can more effectively live out His calling on our lives. We can take chances and believe in ourselves without fear of failure or disapproval.

My prayer is that Jack and Davis will accept this gift and be confident men, husbands, and Dads. I pray that they will try, try again and achieve great things - that they will not waste any time believing the lies. When they hear all the voices calling out to them, telling them they won't or that they can't... I hope that they will listen and believe the Voice of Truth.