A Working Mother's Struggle - Part Two

For me personally, being a Stay-at-Home-Mom is more than just a physical struggle (juggling the tasks themselves... reading, playing, naps, laundry, meals, floors, groceries...) I mean, there is definitely a science to that, and some SAHM's are better at it than others. [Jeff will come home from work to a spotless house and say "Wow! The house looks great!" A few hours later, he'll ask, "So, is play group at our house tomorrow?" He knows. :) ] The struggle for balance as a Stay-at-Home-Mom is more than a physical one. It is a mental and emotional one for me.

I go through definite phases. There are times when I feel like I am really doing an effective job and that Jack Everett is learning a lot and being stimulated throughout the day. During those times, I cook at home, the house stays put together, and it seems that I eat right as well. We have "school time" after his nap where he learns his letters and patterns, etc. On the other hand, there are also times when I feel like I am not making the grade. Jeff will come home to a messy house more often, we will eat sandwiches a lot, Jack will watch a little too much TV during the day, and I can't seem to stick to a schedule. I have a hard time getting going and accomplishing much day to day.

I have, over the past two years tried to examine those "good periods" and "not-so-good periods" and finally figure out what makes them different. Why do I sway from happy and fulfilled to lonely and overwhelmed? If I could just get a handle on the causes, maybe I could cut the bad times off at the pass.

At first I thought it was directly related to Jack's health. The sicker he was, the harder the entire job was. The vomiting meant TONS of laundry and steam cleaning, and the house never felt truly clean. I used to fear that our house would become that house that had a distinct (dis-stinked) smell but that I would just get used to it and stop noticing!

Then, I thought that it was directly related to Jack's age. Maybe I was just better dealing with certain ages. Once Jack was talking in complete sentences and formulating deep thoughts, ["Mommy, I can't go poo-poo. It's not working. My body needs new batteries."] I was not as lonely. Maybe it is because I finally had someone to talk to during the day, and I had company.

I even thought that it might be weight-related. When I was eating right, and feeling good about myself... things seemed to go well and fall into place. When I wasn't, I was tired, feeling down about myself, and unmotivated to keep it all together. No, I knew it was more than that.

So, I started blaming it on Jeff. A SAHM does not get a performance review, or a report card. There is no formal recognition of performance to motivate you. The baby can't say, "Thanks Mom for all you do. I appreciate you." Sometimes she doesn't get a support from other Moms either. So, I figured, it is a husband's job to provide that positive feedback and encouragement. I thought that if he would "make me feel appreciated" I would feel better about this being my full-time job. I felt that I needed recognition and it was his job to give me that.

I finally did what I had been needing to do from the beginning. I started truly praying about it. Not just saying I would pray about it. Not just thinking about it, or daydreaming about it. True prayer. I have to be honest, this is not as natural for me as it should be. It is hard for me to focus. It is hard for me to complete sentences in silent prayer. In mid-sentence, I think about my grocery list or I start to think about other things. I just need to practice. That is all we can do to get better at it.

At first I would pray for Jack to gain weight and to get better, pray for my time management, for Him to reveal to me whether I should work or stay home. I asked for doors to be opened on the job front and for help with the day-to-day things. After a few times of doing this, I finally asked, "God, what is it that is preventing me from being truly happy?"

What I got was a bit of a revelation.

The answer God gave me is that HE is the only one who can make me happy. If I am relying on my husband to "make me feel happy," I never will. That is not Jeff's job, and it is unfair to expect that from him. That was huge. I thought about how many times I have shared this sentiment with girlfriends and fellow Moms.

He also helped me realize that as women, we often complain that our husbands don't "make us feel" pretty. That comes from within too... from Christ within, that is. I spent way too many years trying to get that feeling from other places. I wanted more approval from Dad, wanted more compliments from Jeff, and sometimes even hoped to turn heads in the office. When we realize that we are beautiful daughters of Christ, that is how our husbands will see us and, more importantly, how we will see ourselves. Since my personal realization and acceptance of this truth, I have physically felt better than ever. The weight is melting away without all the angst and effort required in the past. Now, I can eat right because it makes me feel healthier, not because I desire to be accepted or loved.

I started to realize that the reason I was consistently not making the grade, is that I was measuring the wrong things. I felt that the cleanliness of the house, the preparation of the meals, my physical appearance, and what Jack could do or recite were the standards against which my performance was measured. That was the only way I knew to measure a "good" SAHM. The truth is that if Jeff comes home to a happy wife, with a son who loves his parents and loves Jesus, who cares about a sticky floor? Realizing that, now I can do these things because I like a clean house, and enjoy a clutter-free space, not because my success or failure as a Mom hinges on it.

As he gets older, I want Jack to remember that his Momma took him to Sea World and went to the movies, and sang songs to him in the tub. So what if he doesn't remember our house as the cleanest on the block or never gets nostalgic about his "Momma's home cookin'." We do not have to work against standards of our society, our circle of friends, the Jones', or self-imposed pressure trying to achieve happiness.

I have realized that happiness is there as a gift for us to embrace. We just have to choose it. I don't mean putting on a brave face and pretending to be happy. I mean truly choosing to accept the unconditional love, approval, recognition and appreciation that can only come from Him.

If we look at ourselves through Christ's eyes, we make the grade every time.