This is such a hard job.

So I lost it today. I am not proud, but I do feel the urge to record it so I will remember how hard some of these days can be. I hesitate to complain and usually don't publish posts about these types of experiences because I know my problems are nothing compared to what other Moms are going through. The truth is... this is my reality, and today, for me, it sucks. Yes, sucks. But this blog is supposed to be honest and not to paint a picture that I have it all together or that life in our household is full of cuteness, songs, positivity and daisies. It's far from that.

This morning was Jack's first visit to the dentist. Yes, he's four and a half and has never been to the dentist. I endure an hour of whining and complaining and "I am scared of the dentist..." talk leading up to the appointment and it is not even 9am and Jack is already on one of my last nerves. I knew we had about twenty minutes to leave the house and was rifling through a huge pile of crap on the kitchen counter for my new insurance cards. I was packing the diaper bag, negotiating which shoes were appropriate for him to wear, and tripped over Sadie who was licking spitup off our new carpet. My whole house disgusted me.

I had called Alli Jean so she could describe to him how much she LOVED going to the dentist and the awesome prizes she got, and the cool chair, and the cool sunglasses, etc... even the phone call grated on my nerves. Why won't he just talk into the phone? Why does he carry it away? I kept taking deep breaths, knowing the success of the visit hinged on my remaining calm and encouraging. I told him to find a toy animal in his room who has teeth and an open mouth and told him to bring him along so the dentist could show him everything on the animal before doing it on him. He liked that idea, but then asked me one million times... "Should I choose this one, or this one, mama? Can I take TWO lizards, Momma, can I, can I?" I snapped at him, sighing, "Yes, Jack, that's fine. WHERE ARE YOUR SHOES?!! I am NOT going to ask you again! Do you HEAR ME?"

Why didn't I arrange for someone to keep Davis? Why can't I get out of this house any earlier than 10:30 in the morning. What is WRONG with me? ... the unhealthy dialogue began. We got to the dentist's office and it was packed. Crap. Why in the WORLD would I have scheduled an appointment on a day SCHOOL is out? I was immediately irritated that the receptionist didn't mention this to me when I originally made the appointment. Before I could find a place for the infant carrier in the tiny waiting area, she says, "Ms. Griffin, Jack's appointment was at 9:20am. You missed it, but we can still fit you in as a walk-in if you want to wait." Fantastic. Why would I schedule an appointment at 9:20 when I know that is when I am nursing a baby? I was irritated that THEY must have made another scheduling mistake.

When a seat opened up on the couch, I decided we would just wait. After all, I had spent all that time convincing him he might actually enjoy it. I sat him on my lap and looked around. There was not a single book in the waiting area. None. Instead all the kids had their mouths gaping open watching Shrek, which I don't even allow Jack to watch. What is wrong with our society? Kids can't wait in an office without watching a movie? My nerves were shot. Two kids even had a handheld GameBoy thing in their hands, looking up every once in a while to see the movie. I just had to breath deeply. I HATE electronic devices and can't stand the thought of my children preferring them over books, conversation, make believe, or (gasp!) SILENCE.

"Mom of Jack!" the receptionist calls. Even that irritated me. She asks for my insurance card, and I have no wallet with me. Can this really be happening? After we had waited this long, we were not giving up. I put both kids in the car, ran back to the house, got the wallet, and ran back to the office.

After an entire hour of waiting, listening to about one dozen inappropriate phrases from Shrek, reminding me why we don't watch it... "Mom of Jack!" I unlatch Davis mid-feeding, which he HATES, and she proceeds to tell me that Jack is not listed on our dental plan. It was all that I could do not to slide my arm across the counter sweeping the business cards, plants, flyers covered in typos, and plastic tooth statue onto the ground. Instead I calmly asked if I can clear this up on the phone while we wait and just be seen by the doctor and billed later.

She explains that this will take 24 hours and says flippantly, "Well, I guess this just isn't your day to see the dentist!" I could have strangled her, but that might have interrupted the movie. So, I walked out, strapped a crying still-hungry baby into his carrier, and went back home. I tried not to cry and tried to put things into perspective. Emily reminded me that it's okay to admit that you are having a crappy day and a crappy attitude. Yes, others have it much worse and would love to be in our situations, but we have to be honest with ourselves and our feelings.

So, I decide to come inside, finish feeding Davis, and blog my frustrations out. I change Davis' poopy diaper during which Jack comes to me... "Mommy, can I have some milk? Please mommy? Get me some milk. I said please. I said please, mommy. That's good, right?" "YES, Jack, I asked you to WAIT! If you ask me again, you will go to bed with nothing to drink, do you hear me?" I wish he would just realize Mommy is on a short fuse right now... but he doesn't.

I apologize to him, explaining that when I am busy with something that he sometimes has to wait. I get him his milk, start a TV show for him... yeah, I know... and put Davis to bed. I decide to blog so that I can get it out of my system and turn my day around. "Mommy, did you forget something? You did. You forgot to give me a straw, Mommy. Mommy, can I have a straw... pleeeeeeese can you get me a straw?" I am sure my face looked like Sigourney Weaver on Ghostbusters. "Jack, you are a BIG BOY! Drink it like a big boy. I asked you to give Mommy a TIME OUT, and you didn't stay in the living room for ONE single MINUTE! I just need a break for ONE minute!"

He says, "You are not mad at me, Mommy. You are just sad and fwustrated, right Mommy, right? You aren't mad, right?" At that moment, when I don't feel like I can hear the word Mommy one more time, he spills his milk onto my keyboard and mouse. Yes, he did. I said, "Jack Everett. Get out of this room! Just get out of this ROOM!" I was not yelling, but talking very loudly and deliberately through clenched teeth.

With tears in my eyes, I cleaned it up and laid the keyboard and mouse out to dry. So much for blogging while the baby is sleeping. Oh well, I will have to find another way to cope. I made myself a Dr. Pepper. I went back in about thirty minutes... after starting a SECOND SHOW!... and the mouse would not work. You have GOT to be kidding. Where the hell is my husband and why does HE get to work outside the home? That is SO freaking unfair.

I laid face down on my unmade bed, on top of a pile of laundry. About fifteen minutes later, Jack came to me, sheepishly, and said, "Mommy, I am sorry I spilled my milk on your computer. And next time I will put my shoes on when you ask me to. I will do rest time without you having to ask me today." I felt terrible about how I showed him to handle frustration. I had yelled, I had huffed and puffed. I had pretty much thrown a fit. I gave him a quick hug, apologized for using my "mean voice," thanked him in advance for staying in his room to nap and right then, Davis started crying. Good grief. Is he awake already?! I started to cry again.

Today has not been my best day as a Mom, but it's not the first or last time I let the job get the best of me. This is BY FAR the hardest thing I have ever done and it has revealed things about myself... some I like, some I despise.

I got the baby out of his crib, changed his diaper, dug in the back of the closet for an old mouse with a cord, plugged it in, got Davis latched on, and finally sat down to blog...