He is very good about so many big things. He does not get into things, he is helpful, he stays with me, he is not noisy, he is kind, he cleans up after himself... and I do realize that these are REALLY big things.
Yesterday was one of the worst days in regards to this particular behavior. I am genuinely stumped and need to reach out to my blog mommies to figure out how to nip this before it gets out of hand.
Example 1:
Mommy in the car: Jack, when we get home, it will be rest time. You need to get your Pull-up on and change into softie pants as soon as we go inside.
Jack: I have a better idea. Put softie pants on, empty out my pee-pee so I don't need a Pull-up, then rest time. I decided to just wear underwear.
M: Jack, we tried napping in underwear yesterday and you pee-peed on your bed. You are going to wear a Pull-up today. There is no time to play when we get home. It's straight to rest time.
J: I don't like rest time. I am not tired.
M: We are not discussing this.
J: But, Mom! Daddy said...
M: That's enough. I SAID, we are not discussing this.
J: (almost starting to cry.) You hurt my feelings when you keep erupting me! I just wanted to tell you somethi...
M: Jack Everett, what you are doing is called talking back. We are home, so get out of the car and do what I said or you will get a spanking. Do you understand me?
J: I understand. Here is the new agenda: Put Pull-up on, put softie pants on, eat red Jello, go to rest time. And can I keep my light on?
It is exhausting. I have conflicting feelings about it. I want my children to know that their opinions and ideas are important. Of course, most mothers do. However, he feels like the commands or requests I give are up for debate. He feels like he deserves to "be heard" and gets frustrated when he is interrupted. Many times he has a valid request or point. That's not the point. His words are very RARELY disrespectful... it's the fact that he is saying anything other than "Yes Ma'am" that makes it disrespectful. Am I expecting too much for him to just say "Yes Ma'am" at four years old? I don't feel like I am, but maybe I am wrong.
Example 2:
M: Jack, let's put your shoes on so we can go to Mommy's doctor's appointment.
J: I don't WANT to go to your doctor. I want to stay here by myself.
M: (firmly) Jack, it's time to listen to Mommy and do what I asked you to do.
J: I NEVER get to do what I want to do. How come kids always have to do what grown-ups want to do?
M: (choosing not going into the "God put parents at the head of the family for a reason" talk again...) Jack Everett. That is enough. I am not going to ask you again. Get your shoes on or I am going to spank your hiny.
J: Mommy, I think this is turning into a bad day. I wanted to have a good day but you are making it a bad day because you are using your angry voice.
{Spank, cry, whine, drag...late to appointment... again.}
I don't want his teacher to say, "Kids, it's time to go inside. Recess is over," only to hear Jack start in on all the reasons he needs just a few more minutes. I don't want him arguing his point into the ground when his boss to tells him he needs to improve on something. We have always spoken to him like he's years older than he is. While this has been awesome for his vocabulary, it has also created an expectation that we will explain, teach, reason, etc. with him any time he wants an explanation.
Like I said, he is a really good boy and a joy to be around. We have simply offered far too much lee-way when it comes to explanations and reasoning. It's just that when I tell a six or seven-year-old to do something, I expect that they will say, "Yes ma'am." If we don't nip this at age four, it will only get worse.
If you have practical words of advice, please share. I really do mean that.
Note: If you feel compelled to say one of the following phrases, however: "Gosh, MY kids just never acted that way." or "I simply wouldn't ALLOW that in my house." or "My kids just KNEW better than to try that with me." then please refrain from commenting because I am in a sensitive state.
Just to let you know.
9 comments:
FIRST of all, if anyone says their kids don't do this, they're LYING. Kids are always better behaved for others than for us.
But here's the main thing to remember...and I'll try to keep it short. These critical thinking skills and negotiation skills are EXACTLY what you want your children to develop. (I know, I know...I have one at home that is just as exasperating as your Jack, and you know I'm telling the truth.) I don't think you've given him too much leeway at all. I know you think want him to say "yes ma'am" and do what you say, but what you really want is for him to grow up to be someone who knows when his boss is making the wrong decision and figures out a way to save the company millions of dollars and gets promoted to senior VP at the age of 26. (A friend of mine from high school is a millionaire entrepreneur. He broke all the rules, made terrible grades and never went to college.) My point is that the more our kids blindly do what people tell them to, the less they're thinking on their own.
You asked for practical, and here's the problem. Thinking this way about parenting is HARD WORK. It sucks. Reasoning with a 4-year-old is like herding cats. But for me, whenever my Jack launches into a thousand reasons why or why not, I do my best to engage him and help him understand when he does and doesn't have a choice. If he does have a choice, I try to help him understand how to engage some form of logic to come to a rational conclusion. This takes time and effort, but we're beginning to see a lot of results. More often than not, he will accept logical reasoning now if it is presented to him. ("You have to come with me because you can't stay here alone and I can't change my appointment.") And sometimes, he'll just say "yes daddy" without any arguing.
When possible, I also try to give him choices that let him make a decision while I remain in control. ("You can put your shoes on now or in the car." The shoes go on either way.)
Of course, the other option you could try is the time-tested smack in the face coupled with a loud, "don't talk back!" Generally this works about as effectively as reasoning, but it somehow makes us feel like we're being better parents!
I don't really have any advice. I think this must be pretty typical for a 4-year-old as they are becoming more independent. Autumn is definitely quite the complainer right now and wants to do things her way. My responses are very similar to yours. I think we stay firm and eventually they will understand that they can't challenge EVERYTHING!
I meant to say what your friend said above ;)
Hmmm...here's my two cents and please remember I only have a 19 month old.
I think it's a bit like not talking to children when they're in time out. It seems that he gets something from engaging you. What if you weren't to respond? In the first example what about just saying, "okay" to his "better idea" and letting him pee the bed again? Maybe something like, "Do you remember yesterday you wet your bed? Are you sure you want to wear underwear today?" If he says yes, then let him. And your response back to him included, "there is no time for playing" although he didn't mention wanting to play at all. I think that might have given him a new idea. I don't know...I agree it's great that he's smart and a logical thinker and all but he has to know there are times when things aren't negotiable. I think engaging in more and more conversation gives him the impression you're open to his ideas - and in some cases, you're not. Does that make sense? Again, what do I know? :)
Are you wishing you hadn't asked for advice yet?
You know I have none to offer that we haven't already discussed like a thousand times- remember, I'm in the same boat dealing with it about as gracefully.
The fact that you're thinking about it and worrying about as much as you are just proves what a great mom you are!
We'll keep dealing with this together until one of us gets it all figured out and then we'll tell the other the secret, right?
You are right. I AM chuckling.
first, chuckling that your mom is chuckling.
second, i don't think you're expecting too much for him to say, "yes, ma'am" when you are giving him instructions. yes, there is a place for equipping them to think critically and all that but here is my take on it. my job is teach them to obey me (and mike) and respect our authority (and in turn others who are place over them--because even when you disagree there is a way to do it with respect)...
SO the pre-spanking talk after they've been disrespectful or disobedient goes something like this, "you need to do what mommy says immediately and completely. God gave you to me to teach you to obey because one day when He talks to you, you need to obey Him immediately and with a good attitude. I love you and it is my job to teach you how to obey."
i often think of the story of hellen keller and her teacher (clearly remembering the principle and not the woman's name)--but she had to teach obedience and respect for her authority before she could train hellen to do anything. it's the basis for the rest. i've seen this thing on the girltalk blog...i'll look for it and email you a link.
so after the spanking, i remind them that i'm doing this because i love them and then we pray, and if i've blown it at any point during the process, i let them hear my confession and request for help doing this parenting thing. sophia is the worst with this and i wish i'd started this sooner.
i assume there are times when you engage him and ask him for input and let him give you ideas, but there are times when the only response should be "yes, ma'am/sir." i have tried to just say, "this is your instruction." so they know it's not open for debate.
hang in there, sweet friend!
LOVE what Cristina has to say! Thanks for some great advice.
I'm chuckling just thinking about what Elizabeth's chuckling sounded like as she sat and read this at her computer...
You're a great mom, Melissa. Keep on doing what you are doing - just tweak it a little bit with the great advice all of these friends have given you.
And write that book. It'll be a best seller, and then we can ALL chuckle.
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